I have a dog, D, and she is ruining my life. When I have men over she competes for all of their attention with her snot covered stuffed animal. She stares at them with her big eyes, whines and wags her tale. That’s right; my dog flirts with my dates.

She is more persistent then any drunk college girl or sex deprived divorcee. If I lock her in the other room, she whines more and demands to be let out. When I’m making out on the couch, she’ll put her chin on the edge of the cushion and stare. If we are watching a movie she’ll take her stuff animal and shove it in his crotch. If I try to cuddle her she’ll wiggle free and attack the guy with kisses and step on his dick.

She’s impossible! D can be cute but not when she is competing with me. Back off D! His dick is mine!

To be pleasant my dates will typically ask me about her. What kind of dog is she? Where did you get her? How long have you had her? They share their opinion on how weird, cute, or fun they think she is. I tell them that she is a pain in the ass and try to change the subject, but she keeps coming back with that stupid stuff animal. D shoves it into their crotch, legs and barks to be played with. My date will entertain her for a while, hoping to appease her. There is no appeasing D because she’ll always be back for more. To get rid of her I am forced to bribe her with a treat. I pay her with peanut butter for her silence and obedience.

After the peanut butter transaction, my date and I can focus on hanging out. We can flirt and enjoy each other’s company. If things heat up, he might spend the night. The problem is D wakes up early to be fed, so she will cry outside the door demanding food. Once she is fed she’ll whine outside to be cuddled and so forth and so on. It never ends and only so much peanut butter can help.

Caesar, the Dog Whisperer, How do you handle this cock blocking selfish animal!?

Morning showers are always a delight. They are a great way to start your day because you’re stinky, greasy, and they help you wake up. The shower is also a great place to experiment with a buddy. I haven’t had many men in my shower but a recent experience was pretty hot (not because of the water).

Here are a few things I figured out:

1) You aren’t really getting clean.

2) Even if you’re getting hot, you will also get cold. Unless you are in one of those fancy spray you up, down, and around showers.

3) You get a steamy make out. And maybe even a nice backrub, which is an awesome way to greet the day.

4) You’re going to want to utilize your surroundings. If you are pushing your mate to the wall for a make out – or trying an advanced move – make sure the wall is near. It can be tricky to master the sexy use of the tub or shower walls for adequate support.

5) Your buddy’s skin might taste like soap.

6) Your tub floor might be slick. So please, be careful.  Falling down naked is not fun. And it is even more awkward then falling down while clothed.

7) Teamwork. You might get some help washing more than your back. When it’s your turn to lend a helping hand, mind the suds because washing your buddy can be a problem if soap travels into your mouth or eyes. I don’t really enjoy a lot of buddy washing; maybe it hasn’t happened the “right way” for me to enjoy it yet.

8) You save water. Sharing the shower is as much for the benefit of you and your partner as it is for Mother Nature.

9) Did I mention kissing in the shower? Although, be careful not to get or hold water in your mouth. It is pretty awkward to seep water out of your mouth while kissing or realize you are choking and cough it up on your buddy. Just water, right?

10) You start your day very happy.

Dan Savage has been around for a while but I have recently discovered him and my need for sex knowledge. He is awesome! Dan takes sex and sex related question on his podcast. He writes about a wide variety of sex, marriage and relationship topic. I think he gives great advice. Plus, he is super funny and has a sexy voice.

If you want some nitty gritty details please check out Dan’s column or podcast below. You are missing out if you don’t.

Savage Love Column

Savage Love Podcast

Enjoy!

Just wanted to take a second to thank my lovely friend for helping me with my header photo. I got to channel my inner fashion model during my photo shoot. It was a fun experience. Thanks!

I went out on a date with this Army guy. It was my first official date. It wasn’t a lets go for a hike and spend time with my “buddy”. A hang out in a “safety group” so our mutual friends can stare when we flirt.

It was a legit date and it was awesome.

Naturally, I wanted to make a good impression. I managed to hop in the shower, shave my legs and put some make up on. I had chosen to wear my favorite look: a short dress with knee high boots. Let’s just say, I looked good and I always worked it in those boots.

Before my date with Mr. Army, I needed to meet a friend at the brewery to ask some motorcycle questions, and I might have needed a beer to settle my pre-date nerves. I get to the brewery and have 40 minutes before my pick up. I got my motorcycle questions answered and headed out with 10 minutes to get home. I think I am on time and ready. As I am driving out of the brewery parking lot, my phone rings.

Shit! It’s him. My heart skipped a beat and my temp spiked.  I braked and turned down the music.

“Hey.” I said.

“Hey, I’m downstairs” Mr. Army said.

“Be, right down” I merrily replied.

FUUCCCK!! I stomped on the gas of my Toyota Camry. I went 45mph past a middle school and ran a red light, without out any feeling but panic. Ah! Need – to – get – there!

I peeled into the parking spot behind my building, and sprinted up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. I did not stop for anything. My dog didn’t even have enough time to greet me. She stared as I ran by.

I started jogging down the stairs, pausing only to catch my breath for a few seconds. I lightly pranced down, the last flight, even though my heart was racing.  I was trying to remain calm but couldn’t remember if I was wearing deodorant.

I opened the door, my heart was thumping. I smiled and we hugged. I realize I reeked of beer and that I’m pretty sure my pits were hot and sweaty. I don’t say anything about the brewery or my race to impress him.

We headed to his car and he opened my door for me. My mouth dropped with shock because this had never happened to me. I focused on getting up into the SUV without showing Mr. Army my ass. I wanted to save that for later.

As he rounded the car, I took a few breaths, hoping to calm my heart rate. The breaths barely helped. I was a hot mess and I needed cool air, IMMEDIATLEY.

I blurted,

“I am dying of heat and need to roll down the window” giggled and smiled.

I rolled down my window and instantly felt better. Thank God, was all I could think. The relief was amazing.

Not forgetting I had an impression to make. I mentioned,

“I run pretty warm” giggled and smiled.

Have you made good or bad first date impressions? Please feel free to share your stories with us.

It is a random week day and I was at the bar having a great time. I’m there because I enjoy the taste of beer and had over 50 hours of sick time to use up. At this point, I’m just looking for some cheap beer and laughs with friends.

I’m singing to the jukebox with my Wing-woman(1), and this cute guy came over to talk to us. The three of us chatted and then Wing-woman left. Some might say a graceful exit but she abandoned me; something about being a responsible adult. I never leave a woman behind.

I shrugged it off and really didn’t think anything of it because he’s gay and maybe 21ish. I was actually scanning the room for other men, but the lack of Wing-woman and other male prospects limited me. I decided to make the most of my time with this guy and talk about my typical interests: politics, racism and perpetuation of fear in communities. I like to keep it light.

We’re on the same page with my witty banter and I’m ready to make him my new best man-friend. I’m thinking we could shop, volunteer and pick up dudes together. It will be great!

As we are sipping on our classic PBR, I realized he is just staring at me. HOLY SHIT! He was flirting with me and I think I was flirting with him! WHAT HAPPENED?! ISN’T HE GAY?! HOW OLD IS HE?! He had styled hair and nice clothes. Where is his dirty flannel and I-am-awkward-around-women- because-I-spend–a-lot-of-time-in-the-woods attitude? How did I miss it?

After I realized Kitten (2) was putting the moves on me the stammering and blushing started. It was also getting late. Ah! What do I do? I didn’t really have to think about it, Kitten took control. We cashed out and he gave me a sweet and teasing kiss at the bar. That’s all it took, Kitten was coming home. Surprisingly, his age and sexual orientation were no longer a major concern of mine. We just kissed, it was hot and I had my priorities.

(1)Wing-woman – A great friend of mine who has shared, inspired, and helped me figure out my life.
(2)Kitten – A term to define young men that are cute, sweet and enjoy shacking up with a lady a few years older than him.

We will one day but I need to write some shit down first. Until I do, enjoy this classic Music Video.